Dear America

Dear America,

8 years ago, I watched, somewhat amused, at the debacles of your election, and mocked you, the (quote, unquote) “most powerful country in the world” at your inability to conduct fair elections…(Remember Florida?)
4 years ago, definitely not as funny watching you purposely this time, elect George Bush: How you thought he could fix problems he didn’t think existed (i.e. the Abu Ghraib scandal, the insurgency oh and that whole “mission accomplished” thing he was convinced of) was beyond me. But still, you sent us “I’m sorry” pictures via the World Wide Web and it seemed you were as disbelieved as the rest of us was, and were truly promising only four more years.
In less than 5 days, you will be hitting the voting booths. Although it seems Barack Obama is leading in the polls, I know better America! Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice…and come Election Day, safely tucked behind a curtain, a lot of you might be convinced that McCain is The Republican worth voting for. So to help you see the light, here are ten reasons why you should listen to the rest of the world and NOT vote for John McCain.

10) He has stated that he doesn’t really use the computer. Which means it’s only a matter of time before he gets Dells for the oval office. And we know all the cool people have a Mac!

9) He is concerned Obama might be a terrorist.
No he meant Obama pals around with terrorist.
Is it because he is a Muslim? Err, sorry black?
Well, half.
Come on America: You do not want to add racist to your resume.

8) McCain will continue building that fence near Mexico.
Do you think the Whopper will still be 99cents if the $2/h tomato pickers get deported? Will Joe the plumber work for minimum wage because it’s what the country needs?

7) He doesn’t really understand what “socialism” is.
Has an impromptu airline strike erupted on Christmas Eve anywhere in this country? Ever? The same should be asked about nurses, the subway? (New York doesn’t count: They actually had to pay a fine for striking!) Garbage collectors and teachers? What do you mean striking is not legal? Do you work less than 40 hours a week? Do the extra work hours tally up to more days off? Do you have over 4 weeks of paid vacations? Was your doctor’s co-pay ever under $1? Is your health insurance free? Is College government owned and will cost you under $100 a year? If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions, look around: you’ve actually been living in Europe this whole time. Until then, you’re not even close.
-PS: he seems to confuse socialism with communism. Hum John? 1962 called: it wants its cold war back.

6) He claims to be a maverick.
Well John, I saw that movie and Mel Gibson sucked in it!
(So did Jodie Foster)

5) The next President will appoint one or two Supreme Court Judges.
According to conservative hype, Obama’s picks will turn America into a land where the gays teach a special course to second graders on how to turn yourself gay, the Four Seasons are government owned homeless shelters, teenage girls get their abortions in bulk at Costco’s and everyone is forced to drive a Prius!
Fear is how you got yourselves into the war. And we all know how that turned out.

4) He clearly feels Palin will be a better VP than Biden: And why not? It’s not like she preaches abstinence instead of safe sex and has a pregnant teenage daughter or anything, clearly proving that her experience as head of the household has prepared her to lead the country successfully. Besides, the woman can see Russia form her back yard for Christ sake: She’ll be able to keep an eye out for those commies! (Insert sarcasm)

3) Eventually if McCain is elected, some of you will want to flee to a different country. An obvious destination? Canada. But no can do: it’s filled with soldiers who refused to return to Iraq. You know? That war the Republicans lied to you about?
And don’t even think about applying for refugee status in France: They haven’t forgotten about that whole freedom fries thing.

2) You clearly don’t know what you’re doing: 83% of you thought that Bush was doing a good job back in 2002.

1) And if nothing else, America: You’ve f****d us over for the past 8 years. You owe us b*tch!

Sincerely,

The rest of the world.

Knock, knock knocking on Democrats' doors

“To be honest, I want to find a way to help that a) doesn't need me calling middle America (with a Brit accent - not so good) or b) talking to people about Props (not a fan of "following the ticket" or propositions period for that matter, plus I think everyone will do the right thing on them in general).”


My friend Mike’s attitude reflects that of most normal human beings when it comes down to canvassing on behalf of … well, anyone!
It is a very ungrateful way to spend a Sunday afternoon; even when it’s 70 degrees, sunny and you are being fed the most delicious quiche in the world.

Now, until then, I had thought of canvassing as what Jehovah’s Witnesses spent their time doing, where one knocks on the opposition’s door and hustle to try to change their mind and get them to see the light. So I was surprised when I realized it was the exact opposite: we would be spending three hours trying to convince Democrats to still vote for Obama and the whole ticket.
Although it would be nice to bond with my neighbors over our shared ideals and hope and show the world the new face of America, both my husband and I were convinced this would be a waste of our time. I mean, what’s the point in preaching to the choir? I was ready to walk back into the DNC’s offices and explain to them that there had to be a better, more productive way to use volunteers. So there we were, my husband and I, walking the streets of West Hollywood in Los Angeles, not very enthusiastically I might add, to knock, knock, knock on people’s doors, a stash of flyers in hand, a volunteer sign-up sheet, a cheat-sheet with all the various propositions on the ticket and how to vote on them, a map of the area and a the addresses of all the registered Democrats on Genesee street.

Well, imagine my dismay- I was after all strolling through a pro-gay, pro Obama neighborhood- when instead of hearing one “Hell yeah!” after the other, my afternoon went more like this:

“ Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hi, may I speak to Joe?
Who are you?
I am a volunteer with the Democratic Party and I …”

Door slams in my face.

Take two:

“ Knock, knock…
blah blah blah
Door slams in my face.

When doors did not slam, or someone chose not to sic their Chihuahua on me, the answers were disappointing, and once translated, not very hopeful:

“I do not need to tell you. It is my right to not tell you.” The means: I have changed my mind because I either don’t want to vote for a black man, don’t want to vote on gay rights or a teenager’s right to choose, but I would never admit it since you know where I live.

Or:
“Don’t you guys have anything else to do on a Sunday afternoon?” Which really means: “I’m a closeted Republican. Don’t make me say it. My neighbors might hear you.”

How about: “I haven’t made up my mind” (More like “Sarah Palin made me switch on you guys cause she’s a maverick”)

My favorite? “I don’t speak English” (Well, not if I have to admit I am under 40, not from Texas, and voting Republican)


All of a sudden, canvassing did not seem like such a waste of time: No Democrat is for sure. Unless it has been cast, no vote is guarantied! So it may be ungrateful, it may be the least satisfying hours of my life, but until Tuesday, 8pm, I will knock on everyone’s door, and remind you, the Democrats of America, that every one of you count. You need to vote for Obama, you need to respect the party’s complete ticket and you need to help change the country.

Because a lot of others won’t.