Letter To God

Hey God?
…
Hello?
…
Anybody home?
…
Yo?
…
Hummm. Maybe I should leave a message. Humm. What’s God’s number again? Stupid Sprint PCS. I don’t have signal here…Like Hell it's Nation wide. I know it's because they want me to pay for roaming charges… Aaah I have a napkin. Where’s my pen. Here it is. OK…

*sits down*
Dear God, *nah, too formal*
*scratches that*
God.
*a little cold*
Dude?
*He’ll think I‘m high and won’t even listen to me…*
Got it.

G.

We need to talk.

I am leaving you this note because no one seems to be home. I am not sure which words to use. I don’t want to hurt your feelings. But everyone in couple’s therapy say that communication is the key to a good relationship and if we want to save ours, we’re going to have to be honest and considerate with one another.
So please, do not take this the wrong way!

G,

WHAT THE FUCK?????????????

I am sitting down, minding my own business, trying to make a reservation for Kittichai on Friday night (can you pull some strings? There’s nothing available for 6 people this week- thanks) when I get an email from CNN breaking news. White smoke. Ringing Bells. I kind of like the drama. Reminds me of the wrestling games. I wish the Swiss army would walk around in tight Speedos, signaling which voting round we were up too but I understand it might be too “Hollywood” for your tastes so I’ll take the cardinals in matching red outfits. They look kind of cute, if uniforms get you off and all. It’s entertaining though so I appreciate the thought.

But I’m drifting.

I guess I should have known when I saw how long it took for the curtains to open that the new Pope was a bit on the old side. I mean, talk about moving slowly. I will make a mental note to donate money so we can buy one of those little wheel chair with a motor and help him move a bit faster.
But still.
The German guy? Are you kidding me? The GERMAN guy? Is it because Jean Paul and him were hommies and he just died and now you feel kind of bad, so you did him this favor?

First of all, the fact that his nickname is “the Rotwiler” (that inspires police brutality more than Christian love) should be a big red flag. Hello.
A lot of us are kind of fleeing the Church. We don’t respond well to orders and the “Police of the Vatican” as the new Pope wasn’t really a good move! Tss tss tss…
Also, I’m not sure if you noticed, looking from above and all, but looking at him from here... The guy looks kind of creepy you know? In a sort of white-supremacist-pedophile-kind of way. It’s not helping for the image. Which reminds me. WHO INVITED THE BOSTON CARDINAL?

Oh. And Also: What on earth is up with the name? You'd think if you were going to get rid of "Ratzinger" you'd actually try to get a BETTER name. But noooooo. Benedict 16. Okaaayyyyy. B-16? B? Jam Master B?

Now G, by now you and everyone in the music industry knows that changing your name doesn't really work. It doesn't work for P.Diddy. Didn't work for Prince/the Artist formerly known as,/the Symbol... Whatever. My point is... Well he chose a sucky name that won't inspire a fan base.

But I am really rambling again.

I just don't think it was a wise move.
Ratzinger aka: “I’m against homosexuality, condoms, birth control, women becoming priests, priests getting married Cardinal Ratzinger”. What else? Bye-bye chocolate flavor wafers for communion (I think we should also offer different shapes: you know, Christmas tree on Christmas, low-carb for those on a diet. There’s a market here to be explored!). The only good thing the head of church in France had to stay was “Better a smart conservative than a dumb moderate”. So you know... that says something.

I’m disappointed, G... I am.
There. I said… I had such high hopes:

See, I’m turning 30 at the end of the year and by then, I’d like to see a world where my brother will be accepted into the church (I’m not moving too fast am I? I mean we can wait a generation or two for gay church marriage but at least let them pray!) And maybe if not a pro-choice Pope, at least someone who advocates safe sex (you’ll slow down the spread of AIDS that way too, you know, kill two birds in one stone…) and abortion for rape victims. Oh, Oh, OH… I almost forgot… Hello? Darfur genocide? Maybe “Church” could do a little something something about that too?


So, if you could correct this terrible mistake ASAP. Not just for me, there's a list of peeps waiting to sign the petition.
The guy is 78. It shouldn’t be too hard to come up with something. I'm not saying he should... "disappear"... Maybe... Maybe he could decide he wants to be in a band and change life? You know, join Eminem's B-12 and become B-28? Or... retire early cause he wants to play Bingo on Sundays and not have to you know, celebrate Mass in front of thousands of people.

But can you please make something happen fast?
People are still lined up in the plaza St. Peter. Cardinals are still at The Vatican. If you do it now, you could even make the church save money on air-fair (I understand though that if you wait one or two weeks, everyone will be able to add miles to their frequent flyer programs so it could be a valid options as well!)

So I have a few suggestions. I would really like to see an Arab guy as Pope. Maybe someone from Lebanon? They’re making the headlines these days so people will even know how to place it on a map. However, considering “no one” -JP2? Would you like to say something?- elected an Arab dude cardinal it might be hard to do….
But I want to compromise.It's not all about me. it's about us finding an alternative. So how about the African or Hispanic Guys? Plus, let’s not overlook the fact that red looks better on someone tanned. Oh and it doesn’t go with purple either. (It’s Ok if you didn’t know. I subscribe to InStyle magazine.)


Thanks. I appreciate.

Love

Me.

PS: If you could take care of Bush while you were at it…
PPS: Still need a green card. No rush. Have until 2007