I'm sorry Miss Jackson
If you ask many men, they would tell you the hardest words to say, the hardest three little words that they have to spit out of their mouths, rated as a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, would be I love you. Because of what it means (for most women, let's get married), because of the weight they carry (I love you forever? Forever ever ever?) And because the woman they are saying it to has most likely been dying to hear them since the night they first had sex, made love, bonked, hooked up, depending on your degree of inebriation.
I, on the other hand, think that the hardest three words for most people to say, (men and women, I am not being misogynic here) are very different little words. It's the sentence: "I am sorry." It seems that truly apologizing for something bad that you did is harder than anything else in the world. It's harder than winning the Million-dollar prize on Survivor. It's harder than competing on Fear Factor, running the New York City Marathon, performing open heart surgery or eating the most amount of hotdogs in the shortest amount of time (unless you’re a little Asian dude).When you truly have done something terrible, something that hurt a loved one, made them cry, on purpose or by accident, saying you're sorry does not come easily.
Most people I know like to share the blame.
Take the ex-love of my life- aka X-lml (who said I love you a year after we were completely broken up by the way). It's two in the morning of a fabulous party I just got to. People obviously have started drinking way before I got there so it's fair to say I was the only sober one. It's the first warm, beautiful night of the year. The skirts are short; the legs are bare, and long and lean from fabulous heels. The push-up bra is on (hey, I make money in tips, don't judge) and I am feeling good, flirting and having fun. Just as I am explaining to friends my opinion on The Passion of the Christ, the Mel Gibson movie I saw the previous night, charges in X-lml. Like I would have a debate with him over religion, after he dumped me for not being Jewish! After a little conversation over Jesus being a Jew, the last supper really being Passover and different believes ( my words: I think Catholics really think of Jesus as being the first Christian and the last supper being, well his last meal cause he kind of died right after), X-lml ends up saying: "you're an ignorant repulsed by the idea that Jesus was a Jew."He seemed surprise I got mad. Well geez, I wonder why? It's not like you just implied I was anti-Semite or anything….
We parted ways that night extremely pissed at each other. In rolls Monday morning, I open my email box to find a: I am sort of kind of somewhat sorry about Saturday night. With these words: you're angry stare during our conversation made me overreact.
Excuse-me? Was that an apology? No, saying sorry is actually very simple. You write down: I am sorry. Period. No buts, ifs and what not. I am sorry. I did something bad. No I am sorry I punched you in the face but the pizza was cold. No, I am sorry I stole your wallet, but you have a shit load of money and I have none so it's kind of your fault. And definitely no I am sorry I cheated on you but you had your period and didn't want to have sex so I had to get it from someone else!
If you truly want to apologize than you need to take responsibility. X-lml did not. Which is why I turned down his apology. X-lml basically said: he emotionally overreacted because of what he saw in my pupils. (I am not even going to go into the fact that with the amount of alcohol X-lml had consumed, I'd be surprise if he could even see the color of my eyes, let along the feeling passing through them, but never mind). What really shocked me (besides the insult) was how hard it was for him to simply say, he had done wrong. Instead, his email (AN EMAIL! Not even a phone call) simply stated that he didn't think I was anti-Semite but had been taken aback by my reaction.
Hummm…
Another apology I turned down (yes, it's starting to be a trend) was when my friend, Hip Hop teacher (HHT) disrespected me.
After 3 months of his commenting on the status of my skin (a pimple, a second pimple, oh look Sofe, skin's clearing up, ah no never mind, this week you must be stressed out you're breaking out again, you really shouldn't wear concealer on top of zits…) I had confronted him and mentioned how hurt and self-conscious this made me feel. That I liked to live in denial. The very next week, as I am innocently standing next to him, he grabs to flab fat of my stomach and shakes it. Now, keep in mind this is someone that knows I have issues with my body (unless the words recovering Anorexic lead to confusion). My "Fuck you!" shocked him.
What shocked my was that a few days later, he came up to me and never said the words I am sorry. He actually attempted to apologize without having to use those words. It started out with: that was quite a reaction, an explosion. (Again, my fault, I overreacted, he had nothing to do with it). When I told him I felt he was going out of his way to make me feel like shit, he seemed surprised. "But you know me, this is the way I am. Don't be so sensitive."
Can you imagine if everyone got away with this excuse? The Oklahoma bomber, Saddam Hussein. Well Yes, I am a dictator, but that's just the way I am. You guys know me…
Well, yes, I molested a child. But that's how I am. You guys knew that!
That was HHT's apology. Basically implying I am too sensitive. How come it never occurred to him HE might not be sensitive enough?
Why is it so hard?
It took an insane amount of years before the American Government apologized for slavery. It took also an impeachment before Clinton said he was sorry for lying about covering his under the desk, oval office…"fun". And Bush still has not apologized for lying to us about the WMD.
People see saying you're sorry as a sign of weakness. Admitting you were not right. Not perfect. In the wrong. Hey, none of us are constantly right. Admitting this makes you a better man. Not having to fight to hear someone apologize for what they did to me not only makes me forgive them for everything, it makes me appreciate and love them more… And as much as I hate to have to ask someone for forgiveness, I know it's something I have to do if I want to remain friends. I don't like it either. I don't want to admit I made a mistake, was mean to someone else; I don't like the guilt I experience while thinking about apologizing. I don't want to admit I am that kind of person sometimes. It makes me have to question myself, question my issues and try to correct them. How else am I going to be a better person if I can't even apologize?
The truth is, we all hurt each other. It is sadly unavoidable. And we all need to forgive each other. Saying you're sorry is the least I can do…Come on, you can practice. I apologize a trillion times; I'm sorry Miss Jackson… I am for real!
I, on the other hand, think that the hardest three words for most people to say, (men and women, I am not being misogynic here) are very different little words. It's the sentence: "I am sorry." It seems that truly apologizing for something bad that you did is harder than anything else in the world. It's harder than winning the Million-dollar prize on Survivor. It's harder than competing on Fear Factor, running the New York City Marathon, performing open heart surgery or eating the most amount of hotdogs in the shortest amount of time (unless you’re a little Asian dude).When you truly have done something terrible, something that hurt a loved one, made them cry, on purpose or by accident, saying you're sorry does not come easily.
Most people I know like to share the blame.
Take the ex-love of my life- aka X-lml (who said I love you a year after we were completely broken up by the way). It's two in the morning of a fabulous party I just got to. People obviously have started drinking way before I got there so it's fair to say I was the only sober one. It's the first warm, beautiful night of the year. The skirts are short; the legs are bare, and long and lean from fabulous heels. The push-up bra is on (hey, I make money in tips, don't judge) and I am feeling good, flirting and having fun. Just as I am explaining to friends my opinion on The Passion of the Christ, the Mel Gibson movie I saw the previous night, charges in X-lml. Like I would have a debate with him over religion, after he dumped me for not being Jewish! After a little conversation over Jesus being a Jew, the last supper really being Passover and different believes ( my words: I think Catholics really think of Jesus as being the first Christian and the last supper being, well his last meal cause he kind of died right after), X-lml ends up saying: "you're an ignorant repulsed by the idea that Jesus was a Jew."He seemed surprise I got mad. Well geez, I wonder why? It's not like you just implied I was anti-Semite or anything….
We parted ways that night extremely pissed at each other. In rolls Monday morning, I open my email box to find a: I am sort of kind of somewhat sorry about Saturday night. With these words: you're angry stare during our conversation made me overreact.
Excuse-me? Was that an apology? No, saying sorry is actually very simple. You write down: I am sorry. Period. No buts, ifs and what not. I am sorry. I did something bad. No I am sorry I punched you in the face but the pizza was cold. No, I am sorry I stole your wallet, but you have a shit load of money and I have none so it's kind of your fault. And definitely no I am sorry I cheated on you but you had your period and didn't want to have sex so I had to get it from someone else!
If you truly want to apologize than you need to take responsibility. X-lml did not. Which is why I turned down his apology. X-lml basically said: he emotionally overreacted because of what he saw in my pupils. (I am not even going to go into the fact that with the amount of alcohol X-lml had consumed, I'd be surprise if he could even see the color of my eyes, let along the feeling passing through them, but never mind). What really shocked me (besides the insult) was how hard it was for him to simply say, he had done wrong. Instead, his email (AN EMAIL! Not even a phone call) simply stated that he didn't think I was anti-Semite but had been taken aback by my reaction.
Hummm…
Another apology I turned down (yes, it's starting to be a trend) was when my friend, Hip Hop teacher (HHT) disrespected me.
After 3 months of his commenting on the status of my skin (a pimple, a second pimple, oh look Sofe, skin's clearing up, ah no never mind, this week you must be stressed out you're breaking out again, you really shouldn't wear concealer on top of zits…) I had confronted him and mentioned how hurt and self-conscious this made me feel. That I liked to live in denial. The very next week, as I am innocently standing next to him, he grabs to flab fat of my stomach and shakes it. Now, keep in mind this is someone that knows I have issues with my body (unless the words recovering Anorexic lead to confusion). My "Fuck you!" shocked him.
What shocked my was that a few days later, he came up to me and never said the words I am sorry. He actually attempted to apologize without having to use those words. It started out with: that was quite a reaction, an explosion. (Again, my fault, I overreacted, he had nothing to do with it). When I told him I felt he was going out of his way to make me feel like shit, he seemed surprised. "But you know me, this is the way I am. Don't be so sensitive."
Can you imagine if everyone got away with this excuse? The Oklahoma bomber, Saddam Hussein. Well Yes, I am a dictator, but that's just the way I am. You guys know me…
Well, yes, I molested a child. But that's how I am. You guys knew that!
That was HHT's apology. Basically implying I am too sensitive. How come it never occurred to him HE might not be sensitive enough?
Why is it so hard?
It took an insane amount of years before the American Government apologized for slavery. It took also an impeachment before Clinton said he was sorry for lying about covering his under the desk, oval office…"fun". And Bush still has not apologized for lying to us about the WMD.
People see saying you're sorry as a sign of weakness. Admitting you were not right. Not perfect. In the wrong. Hey, none of us are constantly right. Admitting this makes you a better man. Not having to fight to hear someone apologize for what they did to me not only makes me forgive them for everything, it makes me appreciate and love them more… And as much as I hate to have to ask someone for forgiveness, I know it's something I have to do if I want to remain friends. I don't like it either. I don't want to admit I made a mistake, was mean to someone else; I don't like the guilt I experience while thinking about apologizing. I don't want to admit I am that kind of person sometimes. It makes me have to question myself, question my issues and try to correct them. How else am I going to be a better person if I can't even apologize?
The truth is, we all hurt each other. It is sadly unavoidable. And we all need to forgive each other. Saying you're sorry is the least I can do…Come on, you can practice. I apologize a trillion times; I'm sorry Miss Jackson… I am for real!
posted by Sophie Yon-Gharbi at 9:28 AM
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